Babies, toddlers, children, they're lovely aren't they. Cute, funny, appealing. Well not to me. I hate them. I always have. So much so I didn't even like myself until I reached my late teens. So you can imagine my delight when around mid 2009 every London based TV advertising agency thought it product marketing gold to feature a small child in as many television spots as they possibly could. It didn't matter if the product was child related or not, from Glade Plugins to Camel cigarettes nothing was off bounds (ok not Camel cigarettes seen as tobacco advertising has been rightly banned since 2003 in the UK)

As long as the featured child had difficultly pronouncing the product or brand name the advert was a hit. "Awww listen he can't say Durex properly, its so cute" (alright, no children were used to advertise condoms either, which is ironic as they're the best advert for them) Being as I spend most of my time trying to avoid children or situations that involve them and the rest attempting to ignore irrelevant advertising the combination of the two I considered a violation of my relaxation time in front of the idiot box.

If it wasn't that fucking kid that wanted to "do a poo a Pauls house" then it was the Rice Krispies advert with the child who insists on almost sticking her blonde hair into the milk, waxy ear lobe first before uttering "I can hear them mummy", which was a line I found so irritating it instantly made my back go into spasm and three of my vertebrae seize up due to the sheer amount it "went through me". But wait, these two companies were responsible for two more kid-strosity adverts. Glade were also responsible for the little

"no children were used to advertise condoms, which is ironic as they're the best advert for them"

kid that tells his mum that it "stinks" and its "all gone, its all gone", oh yeah, that one, you'd momentarily forgotten about that hadn't you. The follow up Rice Krispie advert had the loveable family of kids around the table "counting" the pops, argh I can't even bring myself to explain it, watch it here if you dare.

Yet for me, all of these pale in significance compared to the monster of all child led TV adverts. This newly released Oreo advert. If the Rice Krispie advert made me do a back spasm this has me doing somersaults like a Chinese gymnast. Just seeing it in the background is a form of torture. I couldn't bare the little lad teaching the dog "how to eat an Oreo" but this, oh my, this is something else. Everytime I see an Oreo now it reminds me of this nauseating advert, and I think nausea is the last thing they wanted me to experience when looking at a packet of Oreos.

I know, I realise I'm most probably in the minority with this one. Most normal human beings love kids and cutesy things and quite obviously so or ad companies wouldn't be banging this formula out left right and centre. One day, in the unlikely scenario I settle down and have children and realise what life is all about and become a different person elevated to a higher level etc etc etc, someone will be able to bring this article up and tell me I'm a hypocritical, miserable, grumpy, hateful bile filled old bastard. And Id take exception to that. Im not a hypocrite.




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